On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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