sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
