dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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