honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
