So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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