I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
