the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
