I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
