i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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