omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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