Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
