I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
