I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
