Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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