Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
