I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
