The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
