Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize