u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
