I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think my vagina is haunted
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
