woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm bleeding and have questions
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
