your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
