I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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