1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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