I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
