Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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