You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize