Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize