Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
