Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
