I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
