I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
