thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
