Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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