No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
