why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
