Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
