Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize