life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize