Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
