"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize