I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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