my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
