Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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