Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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