If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize