listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
