My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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