So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
