Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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