I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
