well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
