I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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