My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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