Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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