Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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